Mama Bear

Exactly one month ago, my son turned three…Wow…Time flies...I still remember the day I had him and held him in my arms with those captivated eyes looking back at me…It was magical…I think that is the feeling of every mother out there… That was when I knew what love at first sight really meant…But the love story started when the baby was growing inside of me, even before I have seen it, touched it or smelled it…I just felt it growing inside of me along with the various pickles that came along with pregnancy…I am pretty sure that every mother would agree to this statement…

 

And for every woman who has lost a child through miscarriage, I can totally feel you Sister! It is with a heavy heart that I am admitting that I have lost a child too. He/She was almost 14 weeks old. I went to the Gynecologist, all excited, hoping to hear some good news after months of trials and failures but the expressionless Doctor told me it was not growing well… I did not really understand what it meant, so I smilingly asked the way forward…He then said we had to let it go and it struck me…I felt as if my world came crumbling down…I was in shock…My brother, a Doctor by profession, who examined me before the Gynecologist knew something was wrong but he did not want to break the bad news to me…So I had to fix an appointment to have a dilation and curettage (D&C) done (D&C is a procedure to remove tissue from inside one’s uterus), one month prior to my cousin’s big fat wedding. I believed I had time to mourn before putting up a brave face to the pompous family event. But little did I know that the sadness will never go away and my heart goes to all those women who have undergone such a traumatic experience in their lives…

 

I announced the bad news to the hubby…He was sad and disappointed but not like me as I could feel the baby inside of me for weeks, making me so sick and nauseous…I did not know until then that I could love someone so dearly even though I have not met he/she in person… When I woke up after the procedure, it was as if a part of me had died, though I did not cry nor complain to anybody…And I kept on wondering how the women who had undergone same moved on… And I got my revelation once I had my boy more than three years after the mishap…I was forever grateful to God to have made my dream come true…

 

A bit ironical as I never knew I had this dream…I never wanted to become a mother or maybe I never really thought about it, especially since delivery scared the shit out of me…Listening to my brother’s exaggerated stories about women and their alarming experiences while delivering terrified me to hell…But once pregnant, I felt that was the only thing that mattered…It is as if I was born for this moment only…

 

And that is why ever since I became pregnant the second time, I have been like a raging dragon spitting fire every now and then…You may blame it on my effing hormones…But I wanted a perfect life for my child, though my life was far from being perfect…I got into fights with everybody who were not supportive to provide for what I deemed was best for my child as per the existing circumstances…And I believe that is the case for every caring mother out there, even ready for the kill if it is to provide a safe and loving environment for the child, who is yet to be born…I believed he/she deserved the very best…He/she has chosen me as a carrier to come to this world and I should try my very best to assume…

 

So I cannot but imagine how devastating life is for those who have lost a child whom you have seen or known…I am extremely sorry if I am unfurling that memory from your mind which you have kept so distant for your own sanity but sometimes it may be best to share…Talking about it may lighten your heavy heart… 

I cannot picture any scene where my son is in a bad place and I will do anything in my power to undo it, like most affectionate mama bears out there…And that is why I have no shame in saying that if I die before my husband when my child is still young and that my husband decides to get married again and bears children (In case you are wondering, I do not mind that at all)…But I will mind if he treats my child any differently…If my child is in a way not getting the required love that he is meant to have, I swear to God that I will not let the husband rest in peace!!! I will come back as a ghost to haunt him…Literally…

 

The bond that exists between a mother and her child is unfathomable and I am sorry that I have hurt the feelings of those around me although it is worth pointing out that whichever fight I got into had to do with me stepping into motherhood and providing for a secure and loving environment for the child that chose me as his mother…

 

 

 

Disclaimer: No harm intended for anyone in particular, especially to the dearest dads out there who go out of their way to keep their child/ren safe and sound and surrounded with love…