Happy Freaking Wedding Anniversary to me!!!

 

For many, a girl’s wedding day may be the most beautiful day of all…I see so many young women posting alluring pictures of themselves on Facebook and I cannot but go back to what was my worst day ever…

 

On my wedding day, exactly 12 years ago, after 4 hours of make up and hairstyle by both make up artist and hair stylist, I looked more like a geisha (in Japan, they are termed as very attractive women) but in my case, it was like having 10 layers of foundation on my face with a colour which was way more whitish than I…I don't know why people like to be painted whiter than their usual colour…Come on people, we have very nice tanned skin…Let us embrace it…The people who tend to love our skin colour more than us are the white people…They would probably kill to get this natural tan colour and here we are, trying to make us look whiter…

 

Had it not being for my cousin and brother in law who came to see me in my room prior to going to the tent where the matrimonial ceremony was going to be held, I would have washed the make-up from my face and probably ruin the wedding gown worth MUR 35k that my Mum bought me from India…Maybe they said I looked good just for the sake of saying it but still they were able to save the big day…

 

Like most brides, I sure wanted to look the best on that day…So, I did my upper lips’ threading for the very first time a week before my wedding to supposedly look more appealing and to clear my hairy monkey-like face but it turned out I started looking more like a monkey itself…I got a severe reaction and my whole upper lips were swollen and no make-up could cover this up…As if this was not enough, I could not move my lips because my lips were burning so much…For those who know me, I am not much of the grinning type (needless to say, I am constantly having to bear criticisms because of this) but more adept at replicating the ‘Mona Lisa’ smile but on that day, I looked like a female version of Hanuman, the monkey- faced God…Sorry Lord Hanuman, I have immense respect for you and I am not trying to mock you in any way…

 

And on top of that, having heeded some advice from experienced married women who asked me to take contraception pills from early on for fear that I might get pregnant way too soon, I started taking those offered free of charge by the Mauritius Family Planning & Welfare Association (MFPWA) a couple of months before my wedding…Those effing pills made me look so bloated and sleepy all day long…I was feeling so sluggish that I did not want to do anything, even exercise…And lo and behold, come D-Day, I was looking very pregnant…Even my face was bloated, if that was a possibility…So girls, if ever you are planning to get married, skip the advice and ask your husband to be to practise kegel movements instead so that he will know when to take the pipe out to water the lush landscape instead…Or just ask him to wear a bloody condom already!!!

 

I was the first few lucky girls who got married at night in my close circle…With all the decorations and the lights, it sure looked magical…What guests did not know though was that a week before the actual wedding ceremony, we got an unpleasant surprise…The decorator who has been paid in advance told my dad that he cannot pursue the work being given as he had other priorities…Can you believe it?! As stressful as it was because it was a huge wedding tent, my brother and dear friends chipped in, looking for flowers, plants, home decorations, just to make it look okay-ish and it turned out not so bad after all…So a big thank you again if I have not stressed that out enough!!! You are the best!!!

 

Moreover, the worst was yet to come…That was the second wedding which the Priest was covering on that day and as we all know Indian weddings can be very long and tiring…In the first wedding that he covered, the groom decided to go to the bride, around 4 kms away, on a horse-drawn carriage and the wedding was delayed by almost 2 hours!!The horse clearly had a different  agenda on that day…And no doubt the Pandit Ji could not get his catnap before having to cover my nuptial ceremony and it made him so grumpy… He figured he could kill two birds with one stone…It just happened one of the birds was me and I was so pissed off…

 

First of all, as per customs, he needs to ask whether the one sitting next to me on the altar is my hubby to be and vice versa as we start the proceedings…I jokingly replied in the negative and the groom did same in between giggles and the grouchy Pandit Ji said if that's the case, then we should get the hell out of there…We were both shocked and the other priest who accompanied the groom was equally scandalized…I started to feel like the captive animal in the circus where one is supposed to act in such a way as per the circus master and the only ones enjoying themselves are the spectators…

 

Moreover, when it was time to fasten the ‘Mangal sutra’, I automatically moved my veil a bit so that my sister in law could clasp the necklace on my neck, but the priest hissed “Are you going to show everything now itself?!”…I was so embarrassed that I quickly let go of my veil and sit tighter than before…My sister in law was also paralyzed from the ill remark and with trembling hands, she was fortunately able to secure the necklace on top of my veil…See people, my ‘Mangal sutra’ was one of the short designer pieces and it is supposed to fit my neck only, and not some heavy veil, so by then I was sitting with a straight face trying not to be strangled from my very own ‘Mangal sutra’ on top of surely looking like an idiot on the stage…I could see my aunties in the front row waving towards my sister in law to place the necklace right but the latter was scared as hell from the petrifying priest…

 

As if this was not enough to make me have a severe disliking to that horrible person who became priest, he again opened his filthy mouth whilst going around the sacred fire by saying “Are you in such a hurry to get married?!” Come on, how much in a hurry can I be when I am wearing a heavily clad gown of around 10 kgs and walking around a blazing fire bound by a ‘Gath Bandhan’ to the groom?! (In the wedding ritual, the veil of the bride is joined together with the scarf of the groom, symbolizing bond of togetherness and harmony, also known as ‘Gath Bandhan’) You tell me…This priest has gone way out to make this day become the most horrible days of all…No wonder, in all our 12 years of marriage, neither me nor hubby have even once watched the wedding video…Who would want to relive that?! If I were any bolder, I swear I would have left the ‘Mandap’ unless the Pandit Ji publicly apologized for his rude behavior…

 

My brother, cousins and friends betted to see if I will cry whilst leaving the maternal home…I vowed to myself I won’t and I even hissed at my Mum whose cries have started to get uncontrollable; more from being exhausted than having to let me go, I am sure…I was able to go and bid farewell with a straight face, past their baffled faces but what they do not know is that I started wailing in the car…Both hubby and the brother in law who accompanied him were shocked and asked if I was ok…I think I cried more from these little jams from the wedding rituals than from leaving my family and friends to go to another household…

 

Needless to say, the moment I reached at my new home which was around 25 mins away, I was in a mess and I was having a horrible headache, more so from having had only sweet stuff on that day…Customs say that the bride and the groom are not supposed to eat salt on that day so instead of giving me regular food with no salt, people around me fed me ‘kheer’ and sweet puri and what not…

 

I came into the new home with my backpack securely attached on my shoulder…I had no ‘Lokni’; the person who accompanies the bride when she leaves for the new home; so I was on my own with a house full of strangers oggling at me as if I landed from Mars…Well maybe I was looking like one from the heavy make up, swollen upper lips, and the disheveled hair and eyes distraught by so much crying from the car…

 

I categorically refused to participate in the ‘Kheer Kawai’ (a custom which says that the wedding is not fully blessed if rice pudding is not served to the newlyweds), which was offered to me with so much love…Whilst the adults understood just by looking at my distraught face and because once I entered the home, I asked for a glass of water and took one paracetamol right from my backpack and gulped it in front of their scrutinizing eyes, the little ones who were so excited to see the bride were quite unhappy that I was not playing along and a couple of them still hate me till now…But I could not, as on top of the severe headache, I was feeling nauseous and I could throw up any minute…I was no way going to please others at my expense…

 

My Dad says that the person who basically ruined my wedding day is our family priest and he’s most likely to do my last rites if something was to happen to me before he is deceased…Well, over my dead body, yes! I am more likely to come haunt everyone who agreed to make him come again to any prayer I hold, alive or dead…That being said, in those 12 years after the wedding, he luckily never stepped foot in our home again…We got a couple of other priests who were way nicer than this one…Thank God!

 

I believe Indian weddings are overrated…Sitting and acting like a doll, the number of clothes and make up before every event for 5 consecutive days is according to me a hellish experience never to be revived…I am not hoping to ruin your wishes if ever you are looking forward for such a matrimonial experience but if you are anything like me, it would be torture…Believe me…

 

And not to mention, the costs of having such a wedding is not really worth it if you are not enjoying the events…Either way what’s the use of spending so much for 5 days of events serving others, when you are penniless at the end of the wedding and you find yourself with no money to buy a decent set of sofa to put in your living room…I remember, I had to borrow a small set from my parents’ home to accommodate our butts at home…

 

If i could go back in time, I would probably get married at a hotel or the beach, wearing a long fine dress…One hour at most for the wedding ceremony with all the main customs/traditions amongst others  followed by dinner, drinks and dancing, that goes on all night long, celebrating life with the partner by your side…Now that we are at it, I would have probably changed the partner as well... Happy freaking wedding anniversary to me!!!

 

Disclaimer: No harm intended to anybody and Hindu customs in general…This blog is purely for one’s entertainment.

 (As for this incredible cartoon that fantastically depicts the pickles of the bride as per Hindu traditions, credit goes to Doodleodrama@ https://www.instagram.com/doodleodrama/?hl=en)