Bloody Bloodsuckers!

If you are anything like me, I am sure you hate mosquitoes as much as do...Mosquitoes are the worst parasites ever...and they have evolved...I swear they are now attracted to light contrary to popular belief...I usually joke with my parents saying that they might have evolved spiritually, from listening to so much of my Dad's bhajans and sacred discourses all day long...That is one disturbing thought - mosquitoes turned into celestial beings earlier than I...Anyways, I usually light only one bulb in the house at night and wait for them all to gather around it before I appear like a warrior going on a battlefield with the mighty racket...I am a bit worried about my mental state when I experience a great sense of elation, like no other, when the racket starts emitting sounds like lit firecrackers upon contact with the mini vampires...

Come Judgement Day, I hope I will not be assessed from the amount of mosquito lives that i took from one lifetime alone..Sometimes, i have nightmares that instead of being lifted by angels when i die, i am going to be taken away by a million mosquitoes...And I sure hope as hell that God does not make me pay for those sins committed by shutting me in a room full of these bloodsucking little beasts...If so, all i can say is that the theory of the Almighty being one hell of a sadist is true after all...

As if this was not enough, the mighty mosquitoes can now dive like trained war aircrafts...i have seen that with my bare eyes...Just when you are about to kill them with your bare hands, they dive straight down making you miss them..I wonder if they were taught to do that?! Maybe they have a leader who trains them to improve their survival skills and make them fight like pros against their four legged predators and us humans...On top of that, they have the power to be invisible to us giants...You never see them but you can hear their irritating buzzing sound and I for one am getting bites all over all the time...I remember one Indian actor who said as part of his filmy dialogues: "Ek machar admi ko hijra banadeta hein"...It can be imperfectly translated to "one mosquito alone can make one turn into an eunuch"...Indeed, you can surely look like one from repeatedly trying to clap those mosquitoes dead..

If the mosquito bites could pass as love bites, i would have been one happy soul..At least, I would have made people believe that I am actually getting some action during this bloody lockdown...I remember I once tried to fool my family into believing i got a bad mosquito bite on my neck and that it has caused a severe reaction...I almost did a somersault, thinking that they were duped until one of my aunts asked me the name of the mosquito and I almost choked..Trying not to blush too much, i managed to evade the subject... 

But if someone was to use the same excuse, i can tell you these bites do not resemble hickeys at all...And they cause a f***ing itchy reaction that sends me on a non-stop scratching spree...I thought all the exercise i was indulging in with my hands moving frantically across my body would cause me to lose some fat but to no avail...On the contrary, I look more and more like a dog with fleas...And no matter what i use to relieve myself from this annoying itchy feeling, it will still not go away...

I have always had problems with mosquitoes... If you were to ask me out of the blue who is my biggest enemy, i would most probably blurt out 'mosquitoes' or 'moustico', in the sweet words of my toddler...No matter where i go, the bloodsuckers make me feel like the most attractive person present...They come flaunting and offer you blatant kisses all over...Had these mosquitoes resembled anything like Saif Ali Khan or Ranveer Singh or Randeep Hooda, my favourite indian heroes, I would have most certainly sprawled my legs and arms and whispered "Come baby, bite me..."

I remember i never used to wear dresses or shorts while growing up as my legs were full of those bites which i have managed to make them look like open wounds from scratching so much...In primary and secondary school, since our uniform mostly consisted of dresses, i always used to wear long socks to cover most of my legs, though i looked like a bloody nerd...But who cared?!

I don't know why i was not using mosquito repellent creams before, not that it makes much difference now that my whole body reeks of lemongrass (don't get me wrong, lemongrass has a soothing smell but too much of it can cause one to have a nasal allergy attack), the mosquitoes are still giving me a hard time...Maybe the repellents were not readily available then or my parents never thought of it...Either way, my dad did take me to his friend once to get my blood tested as I was the only one in the family with such an ailment...My blood results came out clean to our pleasant surprise but a solution to my predicament was yet to be found...My mum, on the other, used a number of kitchen essentials to ease the itching and tried to make me a strong opponent to those bloodsuckers...From rubbing holy basil (tulsi), to having a leg mask with turmeric, to having a bath with neem, to ingesting bitter-gourd juice to clean my blood and to applying lemon in between my shrieks and leaps from the burning pain that the lemon juice caused on those open wounds...But none was as effective... 

Luckily those scars have paled and i can now wear mini dresses and shorts to show off my not so ugly legs after all...Just a humble request to you though, do not try to catch a peek of my legs next time we meet...I remember a guy from university telling me that he could actually bet that the reason i dress up like a guy all the time was because of my repulsive legs...Bang on! Maybe he had some sort of psychic powers.. Either way, i left him stranded...

As if this was not enough, these parasites are ever ready to ruin my sleep and instead of cosying with my body pillow at night, i have my charged mosquito racket securely settled next to me..All through out the night as you never know when the enemies might attack...I have also spent a fortune on gadgets that supposedly repeal mosquitoes and I can tell you for a fact that the chicco mosquito repellent device and the mosquito killer lamp with ultrasonic sound and fan do not work...at least, not for me... All those willing to give it a try for your own satisfaction, you can get it for free from me...And in case you are wondering, their competitors are not paying me to blog about this..This is a tried and tested review for you...You can thank me later...

It is now past midnight and I can hear that irritating humming sound nearby but still no sight of one single mosquito...I do not think my eyesight has worsened but the probability that I may have lost some of my sanity cannot be discarded during this lockdown...Why else would someone write so much on those bloody bloodsuckers?!





Disclaimer: This blog was not intended to hurt anybody or any community, let alone to cause some corporate body to lose market share...