F**ked up Diet!

This Covid-19 pandemic has f**ked my lifestyle…While so many are turning into vegans and adopting gluten free diets, and posting their killer abs on social media, mine is a total fiasco…

I have been gluten free for months and I have reached that ideal weight threshold which I was during university days minus the curves which have shrunk but I will get to that later…

Except from my shriveled ass, I was delighted with how I looked with this diet...I looked younger, my complexion has changed and my skin was actually glowing, not the way when we are pregnant but nevertheless…

The reason I chose to be gluten free was because I have always been bloated and had a number of accompanying pickles such as stubborn belly fat that would never go away, despite eating leaves for days on end…I moreover had terrible headaches and I used to have skin problems…

I even did pricey blood tests though they were not the right ones for typical gluten intolerance as I was told it was pretty intense and I doubt we have such expertise in Mauritius…The results from the generic allergy tests however did not commensurate on how I feel upon consumption of gluten…

So while doing research in my quest for a healthy regime that I wanted to embrace, I came across the ill benefits of gluten and though I tried on and off with the gluten free diet, I could never follow through as I realized there was gluten in practically everything and it was hard to keep oneself from it…

Nonetheless, I was able to accomplish it for 9 months straight…It was quite an achievement…Unwavering will power was a prerequisite as the temptations were always there, especially that gluten free meals are not readily available everywhere in Mauritius. Besides, it costs a fortune and it requires supplementary skills if one was to perfect a loaf of bread or pizza or simply a cake for that matter…

Even big and famous restaurant and hotel chefs are still struggling…I have heard so many excuses when I enquire what was on offer from their gluten free menu and let me tell you, I have been frequently disappointed…Even for our last birthday, since I was responsible for the choice of restaurant and the cake order for my twin and I, I picked a gluten free cake which was mostly made out of sugar and fruits…Needless to say, though the cake looked lovely, the taste was disastrous…

Out of this unfortunate experience, there was just one thing left to be done and that was to upgrade my culinary skills to this guilt free regimen…I even attended a couple of classes…This pursuit would have been gratifying had I been less lazy to do the cooking at home…

My friends who were struggling with their circumference around their waistline were jealous and asking me how I got to achieve this dramatic weight loss, especially after only one year post delivery, which was quite impossible for them…And I could not help myself but look like the cat who ate the canary… 

I regretted having donated all my clothes when I was so slim and trim, from my golden days, thinking I was never going to get to that sumptuous body again…Nothing fitted anymore…Everything was so loose on me…I had to redo my wardrobe and I never felt so stunning before in those new tight clothes…Well obviously as per my perception…There was at last no belly fat that made one look like a kangaroo holding a baby in its pouch…

I became the talk of the town…Mostly from badmouthing though… Many told me I looked sick, some even thought I had anorexia and confronted me about it and others thought I was suffering from depression…Yikes…That was upsetting, especially when I was so excited about it…It was if people categorized me as the undisputable ‘fat ass’ and if anything went wrong with this label, it was unacceptable…

Anyways, I no more had an admirable butt and the little boobs I had were no more existent…I had become one skinny b**ch with arms like breadsticks, though very less appetizing…I figured I just needed to tone up a bit and I would get there…

I was very sad my two backside ‘golgappas’ have been warped…They are not anything like JLO’s pride nor like the sexy Kim Kardashian’s sizeable derriere who could balance a glass of champagne…But still…

I was always teased for having an African booty, not that I am being prejudiced against the African community…I remember some of my friends telling me ‘You always had it in You’ when I left for Botswana… 

I remember I tried very hard once to hide my buttocks whilst wearing a close-fitting skirt after having heard the criticisms of the African pride by the diplomatic wives with whom I was lunching…I could not say anything then, for fear I might lose that handful of ‘friends’ I had… But, I sincerely believed they were jealous of those African girls’ perky God-bestowed assets since they had none…Sorry ladies but some things need to be said loud and clear, though late…

Nonetheless, with this lockdown caused by the pandemic, the kitchen was used mainly to prepare meals for the whole family, and not customized as per each other’s needs…So I started eating what the mass was eating, and 50 days down, I have gained 5kgs and I feel so bloated, thus making me sleep less than usual…

I am also constantly feeling hungry though I look full…I have become so gassy and to make things worse, I literally look like a gas cylinder… If we could use the gas for better usage other than creating air pollution, we would no doubt be swimming in cash right now…

I am even suffering from constipation after so many years of being free of this disconcerting ailment… Imagine how deformed I look…Even hubby says I am looking like a ‘pehelwan’, translated to a wrestler…I would have felt proud if it would have been said in a different context…

I have become like a distorted dough…Eisshh…If we ladies could get into a mould to fit us to perfect size, that would have been like a dream come true…All my skinny clothes would be of no use now…I wanted to cry…

As if that was not enough, new stretch marks are forming so you can imagine how itchy that feels…I am constantly lifting my shirt to scratch myself…So embarrassing…Luckily I am at home with only my dear ones as my bystanders…

With no control over one’s eating habits, the future does look blurry especially since we are still in lockdown situation…Heck…More harm than good has been generated, courtesy to this Covid-19 pandemic and let us see where that leaves me once all this is over…

Disclaimer: This blog is not intended to hurt anybody or any species and definitely no disrespect meant for any community in particular…